[bomb canada ]

DOWNLOAD [PDF]

All right, the gloves are off. For far too long America has set its military sights on supposed menaces such as Osama bin Laden or Saddam Hussein while ignoring the one closest to our borders. In fact, they share one with us. Yes, I'm talking about Canada. Since Canada's founding in 1994 I, like most Americans, was pretty tolerant of the United States' official policy stating that Canada had a right to exist. I say, "No more!" (Or let me say more clearly for potential enemies: "Pas plus, eh!")

In one of the few sporting events that seem to appeal more to members of other major genders, I as an American male found my one refuge in hockey (in that it's the only sport not requiring spandex). A gold medal in hockey would have represented a huge boost on our national self-esteem. Instead our national psyche was delivered yet another major blow in dual defeats in men's and women's hockey.

In doing some research for my article, I found that America is with me. In a recent Coucillor/ABC News Poll, Penn State students were asked, "In light of America's tragic loss to Canada in hockey at the Olympics, do you think an invasion of the Great White North is justified?" An astounding 71% said "Yes," 13% said "No," and 16% said, "Mike, I think you attach too much of your self-esteem to hockey." I disregard that final demographic because they are wrong. And if anyone knows the pulse of the people, it is I!

Representing the 71% that I agree with (or 172% in metric for those of you in Canada), Penn State student Brad Wilson expressed concern of a Canadian invasion of America because, quote, "They look kinda like us." He continued saying, "They could sneak over the border and we'd never know it. They've already tried psychological tactics giving us that horrible Dudley Do-Right movie. Who could doubt that an all-out invasion is far behind?" Of particular concern to Wilson was that, "Those Canadian tyrants would make us start calling ham 'Canadian bacon.' I think the Canadian threat is something we should all take very seriously."

A grave, but accurate assessment to be sure. Not only would words like "ham" be abolished, but all our churches would be burned to the ground and replaced with gold statues of Wayne Gretzky. We'd probably also have to convert to metric shoe sizes. I won't even get started on their hellish health care system or the fact that new laws have to be approved by the Queen of England or a gross lack of check and balances in their system of government (which was created in 1982, just like me). Like their government, their entire country is a Bizarro world of the United States.

Then there's the issue of currency. Right now the Canadian dollar has the approximate value of a Chuck E. Cheese token at Best Buy. It is ugly currency too. It would be bad enough if we had to have pictures of Canadian leaders on our currency, but because Canada has had no great leaders, we'd have the Queen of England on our money! That whole American Revolution for nothing. Plus, on the back of their one-dollar bill, they have (I'm not making this up) a picture of a field ! Who puts a picture of telephone poles in a field on their money?!

Surprisingly, America is woefully unprepared for such an apocalyptic scenario. Especially with Canadian Prime Minister (think: "President") Jean C hrétien (pronounced "Wah") announcing from the Prime Ministerial Igloo in the annual State of the Providences Address/État de l'adresse de Providences an experimental weapon called a "thunder stick" which will be developed for the Canadian military once an actual Canadian military is developed. God only knows what carnage they could unleash.

Fortunately, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld has announced the development of Operation: Burn Leaf which dictates that in the event of Canadian aggression (which I submit to you has been demonstrated at the Olympics), an American invasion force consisting of 4 Boulder policemen, 2 Boy Scouts, a puppy dog and my Grandmother will be deployed in a school bus to take control of the Canadian government. Said Rumsfeld, "We'd enter through Quebec because the French will surrender before they even reach Buffalo."

So to Canada I would like to say this hockey loss will be avenged. You have stirred a sleeping giant and I don't think you're ready for the repercussions ( Cette perte d'hockey sera vengée. Vous avez remué un géant de sommeil et je ne pense pas que vous êtes prêt pour les répercussions) . On second thought, adding another star to our flag would just make it look sloppy. Let's just play best out of three.

TOP