I’ve been told that I need to diversify my blogging topics. Very well. I will write about something that will bore you even more than a paragraph long review of Bringing Up Baby: the Baltimore Orioles. First of all, I can’t help but notice that every time I move, the O’s do unexpectedly well. When I moved to Maryland prior to the 2005 season, they were in first place through the All Star Break. When I move away from Maryland, they unexpectedly don’t have the worst season in the history of the franchise. . .at least so far. Of course, the 2005 season ended in an epically bad second half which saw them not only drop to 4th place (thank God for the Devil Rays, right?), but tainted the already shaky reputation of the franchise with Raphael Palmeiro testing positive for steroids months after obtaining his 3,000th hit. Maybe if I move in July, they’ll be able to actually maintain a complete season that won’t crush my soul.

None of this is why I started this post, however. Below is a 2008 updated version of a `70’s relic that shouldn’t have survived past the Carter administration:

Orioles Magic 2008
by gatecitycanes

If you got through more than 15 seconds of that, then congratulations. You’re either an Orioles fan or there’s something else horribly wrong with you. Why did they update this? Why go on living after watching this? I don’t really have answers for you. However, just so you know how much my rooting interests cloud my otherwise rock-solid judgment, wrap your brain around this: along with the part of me that wants to curl under a rock for a couple years due to the embarrassment of being even indirectly connected to this monstrosity, there is a small part of me that actually likes this (that would be the part of me that has the Eagles fight song on my iPod and thinks Joe Paterno’s whale pants are kinda cool). Thankfully, most of me (the part that’s a rational human being) is telling me to renounce this video (and possibly the franchise in general) and flee in terror. At least it’s better than the Buckeye Babes video (just in case you were wondering what your mom was up to 25 years ago). Unfortunately, with the Flyers on the brink of elimination, I’m facing a very long summer with nothing to distract me except baseball. How long till Training Camp again?

So what’s the point of all this? Nothing. Although perhaps now you better understand why I needed to move 3 hours north of all this nonsense. I also thought that you might admire in the midst of a heated presidential race my ability to find something to write about that is even less important than Sophie’s Choice.

-MPAW

  

We’ve known for a while that when it comes to airport security, our national security is literally in the hands of some of the dumbest young minds this country has to offer. If you care to argue with me face to face, please visit me by way of the Philadelphia International Airport. By the time you board the plane that conversation will no longer be necessary. That being said, this story is mind boggling:

We’ve discovered a 4.5 hour time frame each night when virtually anything can be brought into the secure side of Phoenix Sky Harbor Airport. There’s no metal detector, no X-ray machine, and it’s apparently not a problem.

If this story is true then it really is scary to comprehend the incompetence here. Particularly if management already knows as claimed and are taking no steps to fix a problem that is so easy to fix it seems like they’re going out of their way in creating it to begin with. It’s hard to imagine this happening right after 9/11, yet we’re practically inviting it to happen again even with multiple reports of a “hot summer” for terrorism.

By the way, since you all are thinking it anyway I can confirm your suspicions: I mostly made the post so I could make that headline. I’m clever and a half, let me tell you.

-MPAW

  

I defy you to read this headline and not crack up:

The Daily Record:  HERO CABBIE: I KICKED BURNING TERRORIST SO HARD IN BALLS THAT I TORE A TENDON

I think it’s every little boys dream to someday compress a terrorist’s bundle.  I miss the days when people in this country had the balls want to take them away from terrorists.  I fear it’ll take another 9/11 before that happens again.  Until then we always have Paris Hilton to distract us.  Sigh.
-MPAW

  

Apparently Matt Lauer has issued an apology for not wearing a seatbelt during a piece featuring Mitt Romney after apparently grilling Governor Corzine on the issue.  Here is his statement:

“As the guy who just interviewed Jon Corzine, the governor of New Jersey, for that same issue, I should have set a better example. There is no seat belt law in New Hampshire, but, again, it was the wrong example to set.” 

Umm, if you owe us an apology for anything it would be for being a hypocrite in your treatment of a man who has already paid the price for not wearing a seatbelt.  I personally think that seatbelt laws are asinine.  It’s also intensely stupid not to wear one.  Is it not my right anymore to endanger my own life?  Cutting your fingernails with a chainsaw isn’t a smart thing either, but we don’t have a law against that.  Maybe we should let the police actually focus on preventing murders or robberies or, you know, people from hurting people other than themselves.

Mitt Romney also issued a statement for the poor seatbelt-less example he set in the interview (as if millions of children are thinking it’s cool to not wear seatbelts because Mitt Romney doesn’t wear them).  Also included in the article was this gem:

Meanwhile, President Bush was criticized this month after he was shown driving unbelted on his Texas ranch. 

Because you never know when one of those steers is going run a red light, right?  At least this should take the heat off of the big controversy last week over Bush not washing his hands before dinner.

I should probably mention that I didn’t hear of any of this before reading this one article, so if I’m blowing all this out of proportion, it’s because the article did.

WBZTV: Romney, Lauer Apologize For Not Wearing Seatbelts

-MPAW

  

I randomly found this link today that I made months ago in a post strangely saved under a title about The Format. It’s still funny, just not quite as ahead of the curve as I imagine it might have been if I posted it when I originally made it.

YouTube: The only reason I know who Zidane is

By the way, sorry about the weird formatting error in the side bar. Right now, it’s priority about #48 on my list of things to do so expect it to be fixed around the time that I get the 2007 photo gallery online. Especially since I’m very proned to ignoring the list altogether and just watching Reel Big Fish live DVDs (speaking of being about a decade behind the times.  Hip, hip, huzzah for late nineties music trends!)

Hey! Nine days until Penn State football starts again!

I ate alligator and kangaroo last week.

That is all.

Hooray for streams of consciousness!

That is all.

-MPAW

  

I grew up most of my life thinking that New Jersey drivers were the worst in the country.  That was before I moved to Maryland I realized the horrible truth – this state has the most hideously braindead drivers I have ever encountered.  First off, I should say I have never driven in New York, Massachusetts, or California so I can’t judge conclusively (although just being a passenger in Boston was terrifying).  I have driven in the following states: Pennsylvania (eastern and western sides - and yes, there’s a difference), New Jersey, Maryland, Delaware, Virginia, North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, and Florida.  Driving in Maryland is by far the worst experience I’ve had and to calm my ever-growing road rage (so I don’t end up like this guy), I’m going to give you my list of why driving in Maryland is the worst experience:

1. There is no passing lane.  Just two lanes of cars going the same speed (5 miles per hour under the speed limit).


2. There are no shoulders anywhere.  Meaning, if someone decides to make a left hand turn into the local biker bar, the traffic will back up for half a mile leaving you with the choice of driving into huge pot holes and wrecking your car (especially if you are one of the 5 people in the area who aren’t driving a ginormous pick-up truck) and waiting for 2 minutes while the person backing up traffic waits for a 20 second break in traffic to make his painfully slow left-hand turn.


3. Unless you are on an interstate, the “highways” are either one lane or have traffic lights every twenty feet.  Every road is a windey, back road.


4. It is important for a Maryland driver to go at least 5 miles per hour under the speed limit, especially when the speed limit is 25 miles per hour on a long, straight road.


5. It takes the typical Marylander about 3 seconds to notice when a red light turn green.  It then takes that driver about 5 seconds to make a left-hand turn.


6. Turn signals are about as common on Maryland roads as horses.  If a turn signal goes on, it stays on.


7. All Marylanders brake when aproaching a traffic light no matter what color it is.  True story: I once was behind a driver that came to a full and complete stop at a light that was literally green the entire time it was in my sight.  I have never seen a Maryland driver hustle to make it through a yellow light, preferring instead to slam on their brakes.


8. When parking, the Maryland driver has yet to discover “the pull through,” instead usually choosing to block traffic for 30 seconds while he backs up into a parking space.  And yes, I’ve actually seen this done in spots that had available pull throughs.


9. When making a turn on red, the Maryland driver will wait a good 2 full seconds after an opening in traffic has started to begin pulling out and cutting off the next car.


10. A quarter inch of snow?  Hell, any precipitation whatsoever?  Forget about it.  They go nuts.


11. They all do what I like to call the “Maryland Meander.”  Meaning, they have absolutely no concept of where the lines are in roads.  Virtually every time I’m on I-83 driving south there is some clown driving in both lanes, making it impossible to pass.

Of course, driving in Pennsylvania isn’t perfect but rarely did I ever get as pissed off as I seem to get on a daily basis down here.  The one up side is the quality of roads, but I’d rather get to my destination quickly on a crappy road then have a smooth ride and take 45 minutes to travel 10 miles.

I also found this excerpt from an article that completely rips on Baltimore (most of it I think is unfair, but is spot on in this paragraph):

Speaking of traffic violations, anyone who’s ever driven through Maryland on a major highway has probably seen more brake lights than you’d spot at senior-citizen discount day at the local Stop & Shop. The thought process of your average Maryland driver: ‘Eek, someone’s merging onto the highway; I better hit my brakes. Oh! there’s an accident on the other side of the road; I better hit my brakes and gawk. Ahh, police car; I better slow down to 45 miles per hour in a 65 zone, even though I was only going 60 to begin with.’ Forget any entries to the Beltway: People drive the same route everyday and they know their 695 exit is a left exit, but here they are, in the far right lane. Blinkers: Why bother? ‘Those no-turn-on-red signs be damned: Aren’t all turns made on red? Red? Oh, that light was red? Hm, well, eight cars are going to go through, anyway. Oh, I’m blocking the box. Isn’t that what all of the space in the middle of the intersection is for, my car? ‘

I guess the bottom line is that I’d rather be behind a New Jersey driver and in front of a Maryland driver.  In neither situation would I be in close proximity with their vehicles for very long. 

-MPAW

  

WARNING!  Dignity is nowhere to be found here.

-MPAW

  

I love when at work you go into the bathroom and talk to a co-worker and everyone pretends that they’re not enveloped by the most hideous smell imaginable.  Why is it polite to ignore the obvious, nay, the inescapable?  On that note, have a good weekend.

-MPAW

PS - Happy one-year anniversary of the release of Revenge of the Sith.  I’m so lame.

  

So The Da Vinci Code movie is coming out this summer and the controversy is already starting to brew. I freely admit that I haven’t read the book, but I’ve heard good things. That’s not the point of this post. Apparently “the number two official in the Vatican doctrinal office” has urged for a boycott of the film as it is “stridently anti-Christian. . .full of calumnies, offences and historical and theological errors regarding Jesus, the Gospels and the Church.” Yah, because boycotts always work, right?

This is what I don’t get. Why am I the only one that recognizes that organized boycotts almost always fail, and usually add to the revenue of a film/book because it gets more press and stirs up controversy? Is there something that I’m missing that this is the strategy that is always taken even though it never really seems to work? If someone takes The Da Vinci Code seriously enough to urge a boycott, all you are telling others is that they should take it seriously too. Look at The Passion of the Christ and Fahrenheit 9/11. I don’t believe either of those movies would have been as big as they were if it weren’t for the months of hatred spewed towards them very publicly by their respective enemies.

I’m not saying don’t recognize it. If there is a popular pop culture phenomenon that has the potential to damage your cause, maybe release something that recognizes that this is not accurate, but that you can’t count on accuracy from Hollywood anyway. Don’t take it seriously and people will feel stupid for doing so themselves. Frankly, I think that anyone who renounces their faith because of any movie wasn’t truly in that faith to begin with, and anyone who is dumb enough to base their theological beliefs on a Ron Howard film probably deserves eternal damnation. Luckily, these decisions are not mine to make.

-MPAW

Link: Yahoo News: “Boycott Da Vinci Code film”: top Vatican official

  

This fad is about a decade too late for me to take advantage of (not to mention a continent and ocean away), but apparently the latest fad in Thailand is braces. I could deal with the gigapets and Japornimation, but the weirdness emanating from this continent has finally overwhelmed me. When I had braces, I was a geek and I knew my place. Now these kids are getting fake braces to be popular? I just . . . don’t . . . understand . . . at all.

Also from the “What the Hell is Wrong with Thailand?” file, you can find further down in the link below that the Scorpion Queen is marrying the Centipede King in a coffin. Both royals gained their thrones by spending about a month lying in a glass cage filled with their respective constituents. No comment from The Rock on the nuptuals, but I would imagine he’s upset.

FNC: Er You Loochking At Mah Headggear? [Slurp]

-MPAW

  

Oscar Madison and Felix Unger. Mary Matalin and James Carville. Michael Moore and Halliburton. The most recent odd-couple? 50 Cent and George W. Bush. In a recent interview, Fiddy said the following:

“[President Bush is] incredible … a gangsta. I wanna meet George Bush, just shake his hand and tell him how much of me I see in him.”

You can read about it here at MTV News. Later in the article Kanye West whines about being “censored”:

“This is supposed to be America, but you can’t get your opinion out.”

And yet there probably isn’t a single American who couldn’t give you Mr. West’s exact opinion on the Hurricane Katrina fiasco word-for-word. No mention in the article on whether or not he still thinks it’s appropriate or wise to call the President of the United States a racist, thus isolating half of your target audience, during a charity telethon.

-MPAW

  

Now this is a candidate I can get behind in 2008:

Zod 2008

Buried in the FAQ section is this little gem:

Q. I was just curious as to what you plan to do when Jack Bauer and CTU decide to stop you. As you know, Jack Bauer is a resiliant opponent who never seems to give up. How will you stop him?—Steelspider
A. Does it come as a surprise that this seemingly uncompromising patriot of the United States of America is a double- double- double-agent? You have revealed your disdain for Zod to his agent. I shall have your head.

Come to me Son of Jor-El! Kneel before Zod!

-MPAW

  

. . . The Donald is on board with Harriet Miers:

Anyone who has watched my hit TV show, The Apprentice, knows how much I rely on my own assistant, Carolyn Kepcher. She’s as loyal as a Labrador Retriever. In the cut-throat world of high-finance and billion-dollar deals, that kind of loyalty counts for a lot. I feel the same way about Carolyn as the President does about Harriet. I’m comfortable with her and would trust her with any task I assigned her. If you think of the President of the United States as the CEO of an even more global empire than my own—which isn’t to say mine isn’t big, I’m just using an analogy here—then the Supreme Court is like a board of directors. And Harriet Miers is exactly the reliable, trustworthy sort of person any world-class executive would want on his board. She’ll do exactly what you want her to do.

Ummm, yeeeeeeeeah.

The Huffington Post: Trump Weighs in on Miers Pick
(Yes, this is my first H-Bomb. Weep for me).

-MPAW

  

From the wonderful world of entertainment, came the story from Fox News that American Idol winner Fantasia Barrino is illiterate. Shocking, I know. Here is an excerpt:

In her memoir, “Life is Not a Fairy Tale,” which she dictated to a freelance writer, Fantasia also said she was raped in the ninth grade by a classmate. She says the boy was disciplined, but she blamed herself for the attack. She dropped out of high school that year and became an unwed mother at 17.

Of course, this is a horrible thing to have happened and she is to be commended for going through with the baby (especially if, as implied, the pregnancy was a result of the rape). The big question for me is, HOW DID SHE GET TO THE NINTH GRADE WITHOUT BEING ABLE TO READ???? I can’t imagine getting to even the 2nd grade without being able to read, let alone high school. Luckily, she has the talent to succeed without, apparently, even the most basic of skills taught in school. You wonder how many students are being rushed through without ever being told that they have to do better. On the other hand, I’m sure Fantasia had great self-esteem. And that’s what’s important, isn’t it?

FNC: Fantasia Barrino Reveals She’s Illiterate

In other ridiculous entertainment news, Nicolas Cage named his new baby Kal-El Coppola Cage. I kid you not. He gave his son a Kryptonian name. Pretty cool, as long as you’re not Baby Kal-El I guess.

FNC: Nicolas Cage and Wife Have Baby Boy

I know this probably isn’t the post you’re looking for with the news today. I’m hoping to get an official release out by the end of the day. This should hold ya’ll for now.

-MPAW

  

This is not even close to being the first sign that 2005 has been an apocalyptically disasterous season for the Orioles, but you know things are bad when NRO is taking shots at the O’s for not being worthy of the presence of Gina Davis.

The Corner: THE REAL PROBLEM WITH THE NEW WHITE HOUSE SHOW

On the other hand, K-Lo sides with the Evil Empire in terms of baseball so maybe I should feel honored that the Orioles were even worth mentioning by a Yankee fan at this point.

-MPAW

  

His unfortunate engagement to Sheryl Crowe notwithstanding, who among us (who bathes regularly and shaves) doesn’t love Lance Armstrong? He recently said that he’s considering a comeback from his very recent retirement for the sole purpose of pissing off the French.

“While I’m absolutely enjoying my time as a retired athlete with Sheryl and the kids, the recent smear campaign out of France has awoken my competitive side.”

Haha! Go get ‘em Lance!

SI.com: Lance ponders comeback

-MPAW

  

. . . at least in some instances. This is one of them:

This craziness has got to stop. From Page 2.

-MPAW

  

Some guy in Australia is claiming that us 70’s and early-80’s babies will be able to live to 130. Unfortunately, those of you who were born before 1966 or after 1985 will never get to see the tricentennial like me because you are too fat. Paint me a skeptic of yet another scientific study. Actually, I don’t even think this article is based on a study. It looks like it’s simply based on the opinion of an “anti-ag(e)ing expert.” I’m sure he knows what he’s talking about.

News.com.au: Now we can live to 130!

-MPAW

  

Foamy is ranting again and he actually hits on some very good points about legal and illegal drug use. It’s sad that a humor flash web site makes more sense than Tom Cruise does on the matter. Oh, and if you’re a Foamy virgin and you’re sensitive about such things, beware of adult verbiage.

IllWillPress.com: Drugs in your Head

-MPAW

  

Need a little joy in your day? Just read the headline:

Naked Man With Sword Chases Complaining Neighbors

Want more details? Sure you do:

NORTH LIBERTY, Iowa—The naked swordsman is pleading guilty. Curtis Rarick of North Liberty, Iowa, was accused of chasing his neighbors with a sword.

His neighbors told police a nude Rarick was standing in his front yard and they complained.

According to the neighbors, Rarick got upset then ran into his house, came back out and threatened them with a sword. He’s now pleaded guilty to assault with a dangerous weapon.

Rarick will be sentenced next month and faces up to two years in prison and a $5,000 fine.

HA! And they say nothing ever happens in Iowa.

-MPAW