Taking into consideration that I have yet to see Sherlock Holmes and Avatar, I submit to you my 2009 movie roundup.

Worst:

Knowing
It started out with a pretty interesting concept, but quickly descended into … another Nicolas Cage movie.

Where The Wild Things Are
I know I’m in the minority here, but I really wanted to punch the kid the entire film and I got tired really quick of the endlessly whining monsters. I really wanted to like it too.

Also Receiving Votes:

Watchmen
I really need to see this again. There was a lot to absorb in only one viewing.

District 9
A very entertaining, but very flawed movie that had the guts to be different and I can respect that.

Terminator Salvation
This franchise is still barely treading water. I really wish this movie had a plot to go along with the excellent action and effects though.

Taken
It’s like a watered down (and shortened) remake of 24: Season One!

Favorites:

11. 2012
“When they tell you not to panic… that’s when you run!”
Ever since Independence Day (which was my favorite movie in high school up until The Matrix came out), I’ve had a soft spot in my heart for disaster movies. Yes, this would probably have the title of dumbest movie of the year easily wrapped up were it not for Transformers 2 and yes, it is maybe the most excessive movie ever made, but that is why I enjoyed it. I can still appreciate well digitized eye candy and that’s all this movie is trying to be. Sure, maybe this film could have been more if they had decided to develop even one of the characters instead of introducing us quickly to about 75 new characters throughout the film, each with a relative or friend to say goodbye to tearfully and then never see again, but this film isn’t aiming for the Oscars. You should know going into this exactly what you’re getting and if you’re going to complain about “story” and “character development” you really have no one to blame but yourself.

10. Drag Me To Hell
“You’d be surprised what you’ll do, when the Lamia comes for you.”
This was a great rebound by Sam Raimi after the cluster eff that was Spider-man 3 (seriously, I hate that movie more every time I see it. I should stop watching it). This is no Evil Dead, but it has the same spirit despite its PG-13 rating. It’s not exactly going for a horror-comedy thing like Shaun of the Dead but it’s nice to see a horror movie that doesn’t take itself completely seriously and doesn’t rely completely on over-the-top gore. It occasionally veered a little bit too much towards ridiculousness (Hello talking goat!), but this was probably the most intense horror movie from beginning to end that I saw this year.

9. Inglourious Basterds
“We got a German here who wants to die for his country! Oblige him!”
Speaking of rebounds, Quentin Tarantino needed one badly after the meh-fest of Grindhouse and that is exactly what he achieved. I could be mistaken, but this might be his first film that occurs entirely in chronological order. It’s a little distracting seeing the Fire Guy and Neal Schweiber in this movie, and unfortunately neither of them have a large enough role to really break out from being anything beyond the other roles we know them in. This is my main complaint about this film actually: where were the titular basterds throughout this movie? The story is compelling, but the best characters were absent from the screen most of the time and even if I was mostly wrapped up in what was going on, a part of me was also just hanging in there until Brad Pitt showed up again.

8. Fantastic Mr. Fox
“If what I think is happening is happening – it better not be.”
Just when you thought claymation was dead comes the greatest entry to the genre since Rudolph!...except maybe The Nightmare Before Christmas and James And The Giant Peach. George Clooney, Meryl Streep, Jason Schwartzman, Bill Murray and others voice characters in this film about a fox who quits his bird stealing job when he starts a family, but wants to launch one more “Master Plan” when he becomes restless in his day-to-day life. It’s probably too early to judge something like this, but this movie probably has the potential to become a classic. Having not seen all of his movies, I would say this is my favorite Wes Anderson movie since The Royal Tenenbaums.

7. Zombieland
“You see? You just can’t trust anyone. The first girl I let into my life and she tries to eat me.”
If you’re going to rip off another movie, it might as well be one of the best movies of the decade. Perhaps zombie movies just lend themselves to mixing horror and comedy better than other sub-genres of horror, but I have to assume that Shaun of the Dead played a major factor in this film’s existence. Replacing Shaun trying to win back his ex-girlfriend is adolescent Columbus trying to woo his first girlfriend. Replacing the crazy and irresponsible sidekick Ed is the crazy and irresponsible sidekick Tallahassee (played by Woody Harrelson). The two movies are, of course, not entirely the same but since SOTD is one of my favorite movies ever, this has to be a distant second favorite zombie romcom. I will say that the scene where they break into a certain celebrity’s house is probably the hardest I’ve laughed at any movie in 2009.

6. Star Trek
“Your father was captain of a starship for twelve minutes. He saved 800 lives, including your mothers and yours. I dare you to do better.”
Let me preface anything I’m going to write on this topic by saying that prior to this movie’s release I kind of prided myself on knowing very little about Star Trek. I have my areas of geekdom where I thrive but this was not one of them and when they announced they were rebooting the franchise I kind of groaned because I was completely cool with Star Trek being dormant. Then came the reviews calling it a “Star Trek movie for people who hate Star Trek,” and of course this Onion story. I figured it was a risk worth taking and it was. It felt good to watch a fun summertime movie without feeling like it was rotting my brain.

5. Trick R Treat
“Wait, there’s another tradition. Always check your candy.”
Every year in October I have a Horrorthon of movies that I watch. It’s not something that I do for any other holiday except the usual Christmas staples. I love Halloween movies, but it’s not so much because I love “scary” movies but because I love the fall ambiance. It’s why Sleepy Hollow is a Halloween staple for me every year and The Exorcist isn’t. Trick R Treat isn’t the scariest movie out there (although it has its share of intense scenes), but it completely nails the fall/Halloween feeling that I love. It seems designed to be a love letter to the holiday with its four interweaving storylines and I would be surprised if it doesn’t end up being a Halloween classic for me.

4. Up
“Thanks for the adventure. Now go have a new one.”
After creating a new classic year after year I should not be surprised at how good a Pixar movie is, but I always am. This one is probably my favorite since The Incredibles. While most Pixar movies reach your inner child, this one reaches your inner old man. The opening following the entire life of Carl Frederickson and his wife Ellie (complete with a “not able to have children” scene and ending in Ellie’s death) is a little shocking in how dark it is. It grounds the movie early in that dark reality and it makes some of what comes later more out of place than they would in the usual Pixar film. While the talking dogs were a little odd, by the end of the film I was thinking that this is exactly what movies should be about. It takes you to a different place with a completely original idea. Unfortunately, that is a rare thing from Hollywood these days.

3. (500) Days Of Summer
“This is a story of boy meets girl, but you should know upfront, this is not a love story.”
When I like a romantic comedy, you know it has to be exceptionally good. I don’t necessarily hate the concept (pretty much every movie has a romantic element to it, right?), it’s the formula that I find infuriating: boy and girl fall in love; boy does something a-holish (in the worst examples the dickish move is completely justified); boy grovels on his hands and knees and tells the girl what a worthless piece of trash he is and she mercifully accepts him back. The quote above kind of says it all about this movie and that’s why I loved it. Not to necessarily say this movie is of the quality of Swingers (another favorite of mine), but it follows that pattern of the ending not being what you expected, or what you were even rooting for for the entire film, but you’re still completely satisfied by it. The soundtrack is superlative as well. It even manages to rip off the worst thing in Spider-man 3 and make it awesome. In all honesty, if you asked me to rewrite this list a year from now, I could see this being at the top of the list, but I just saw it last week. It’s the kind of quality you’d expect from the chick in Elf and the kid in Angels in the Outfield.

2. The Hangover
“You guys might not know this, but I consider myself a bit of a loner. I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack.”
This is the only movie I saw twice in the theaters this year. Easily the best comedy since Superbad for me. Umm, yeah that basically sums things up doesn’t it? This movie was so random that it’s difficult for me to latch on to one specific thing that I liked about it, but I guess that’s what makes it so great. Anyone who’s had a wild night out can relate to the next morning conversation of, “I did WHAT? I don’t remember that happening at all!” This film (obviously) takes that to an absurd degree, and even though the unpredictability of the movie is a major strength it still held up on the second viewing, which will probably be the second of many.

1. The Hurt Locker
“Colonel Reed: What’s the best way to go about disarming one of these things?
Staff Sergeant William James: The way you don’t die, sir.”
War movies that actually portray the troops as the heroes that they are in real life are so rare these days that I can’t think of a single example since Black Hawk Down. That standard may be a bit high so in general I’ll settle for one that doesn’t portray them as scoundrels and/or psychopaths. The Hurt Locker portrays soldiers in Iraq in 2004 that are certainly flawed (i.e. human beings) fighting heroically which is a miracle in and of itself, but even better it is an endlessly intense action flick that instantly puts you in the shoes of a Baghdad bomb squad at the height of the Iraq War. If there were any justice in the world, Jeremy Renner (who played a somewhat similar role in 28 Weeks Later) would have become a star from this role. For now though I’m grateful to have a great, non-political war movie to enjoy for the next decade until the next one comes out.

Maybe I should start doing this one at the beginning since there are always some releases that come out in between me writing it and actually posting it. Anyway, 2009 looks very not great for movies, while promising to be maybe the greatest year in music of all time. The list of names is staggering and even if half of these scheduled albums are duds, it will still be a pretty good year (not even including the no names that I haven’t even heard of yet).

Music

1. Fun – Untitled
It’s the second coming! The Format is no more, but the former band members can still make music. If the single “Benson Hedges” is any indication then this has the potential to live up to Dog Problems. Or that may turn out to be the most absurd notion since, “Wings is going to be better than The Beatles!”

2. Jimmy Eat World – Untitled
The drama here isn’t so much will it be good (it will be), it’s will these guys ever hit a target release date? They’re saying summer 2009, so I’m guessing fall 2010.

3. Brand New – Untitled
I’m still waiting for the lyric booklet from The Devil And God that I paid one American dollar for. That was a lot of money back then.

4. Blink-182 – Untitled
Yeah. You read that right and I’m not crazy (speaking of second comings). No way that after 5 years of musical maturation under my belt this ends up disappointing me, right?!

5. Say Anything – Say Anything
I hate when bands have self-titled albums that aren’t their first release, but I’ll graciously make an exception here.

6. Green Day – 21st Century Breakdown
Will this top American Idiot? No. Will it really be released this year? Maybe. They can’t distract us with this Foxboro Hot Tubs nonsense forever.

7. Kay Kay And His Weathered Underground – Introducing Kay Kay And His Weathered Underground
Their self-titled is so great. Can’t wait to see what these stinky hippies do next. Dance for me stinky hippie, DANCE!

8. Arctic Monkeys – Untitled
More awesome beats and indecipherable lyrics! Count me in.

9. Morrissey – Years of Refusal
I plan on purchasing this when it is released, but let’s just say that if it were to have leaked or if I were to have accidentally heard it before now, I would probably think it was phenomenal.

10. New Found Glory – Not Without A Fight
Has NFG ever slipped up? Not really. This will be good, not great. You heard it here first.

11. Eminem – Relapse
One of these things is not like the others. One of these things just doesn’t belong. Can you tell which thing is not like the others by the time I finish my song?

12. Eve 6 – Untitled
I can’t prove that this is actually happening, but they’re reformed and touring so a guy can hope, right?

13. The Mighty Mighty Bosstones – Untitled
This one I can prove! They’re back and recording, baby! 2009 seems to be the year of the reformed bands.

14. Cartel – Untitled
Cartel, there was a time when I called you friend. Stand with me now and make something that doesn’t bore the crap out of me.

15. My Chemical Romance – Untitled
I really liked The Black Parade. Maybe I’ll like this one too!

16. Saves The Day – Daybreak
I’m never sure what to expect with these guys other than vocals like raking a chalkboard, yet I can’t help but anticipate this.

17. Mark Hoppus – Untitled Solo Album
+44 was mediocre, but Angels & Airwaves is terrible. Mark + Tom > Mark or Tom. (Edit: I’m not even sure this is happening any more. I’ll live either way).

18. John Mayer – Untitled
John Mayer has bedded half of the women you’ve ever seen at the magazine rack in your grocery store. The other half is Oprah. He also makes good music.

19. MxPx – On The Cover 2 and Untitled Studio Album
Eh, why not? Should be good for 2 weeks of entertainment come summer.

20. Reel Big Fish – Fame, Fortune and Fornacation
I’d be more excited about this covers album if it wasn’t 65% Poison songs.

21. Two Tongues – Two Tongues
Don’t look now, but I’m pretty sure Chris Conley and Max Bemis are dating.

22. Motion City Soundtrack – Untitled
Still waiting for this guy to cut his hair and lose his powers.

23. AFI – Untitled
Don’t click here. It will ruin it for you.

24. Dropkick Murphys – Untitled Live Album
I don’t usually go for live albums, but I’m curious if the mics pick up the many bloody deaths that take place in the pit of every DKM show.

25. Taking Back Sunday – New Again
Carpathia sounds not so great, but when do the labels ever pick the right first single for punk bands?

26. Thursday – Common Existence
I would have liked A City By The Light Divided a lot more if it didn’t sound like they recorded it at a friend’s apartment party . . . and the microphones were with the neighbors.

27. All Time Low – Untitled
It seems I will never tire of generic pop-punk.

Movies
Behold the mediocrity! (With a few notable exceptions)

Arrested Development
Watchmen
Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen
X-Men Origins: Wolverine
Inglorious Bastards
Terminator Salvation
Friday The 13th
Toy Story 3D
Avatar
Futurama: Into The Wild Green Yonder

This has been a rough year for movies (and pretty much all media as far as I can tell), and I’m assuming the aftermath of the writer’s strike won’t even be felt until next year! This year it seems Hollywood just sucks. That’s as much enthusiasm as I can muster:

Worst of the Year:

Semi-Pro
The only half-funny moment in the entire movie was a 10 minute long segment revolving around the phrase “jive turkey.” It wasn’t worth it.

Speed Racer
Good to know I’ll never have to experiment with acid because the Wachowskis are obviously doing enough for all of us.

Mediocre of the Year:

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
I had nothing but bad vibes for this film since I got that same old “They’re seriously calling it The Phantom Menace???” feeling when they announced the name. I need to see it again, but my impression the first time through was that it was a mixed bag and probably worse than it would have been if Spielberg had made this independently from Lucas’s influence.

Hancock
This was surprisingly watchable, mostly due to Jason Bateman’s awesomeness and Charlize Theron’s hotness.

Favorites of the Year

10. Cloverfield
”Shut up! All right, we don’t know what we saw. The point is it’s still here, all right? So we need to get the hell out of Manhattan! Now!”

This movie really didn’t hold up well seeing it the second time on DVD, but man, it was a load of fun in the theater. It’s like The Blair Witch Project but with less suction and (if it’s possible) even more puke-o-rama shaky cam! (Thank you soooo much Jason Bourne). The dialogue is bad (if you took out the word “dude” in the script I’m pretty sure it would cut the run time by a third), the plot is ridiculous if you apply any logic at all (sure she can run away from the monster! We un-impaled her like 5 minutes ago!) the acting is embarrassing at times, and the monster is disappointing when you finally get a look at it after an hour and a half of teases. What keeps this movie together is the suspense of not knowing what’s going to happen next and the imaginative set pieces. It’s certainly worthy of one viewing, but probably not more than that.

9. Pineapple Express
“In case you haven’t noticed – which you haven’t, ‘cause from what I can tell, you don’t notice anything ever – we are not very functional when we’re high.”

This is the Seth Rogan comedy of 2008 that I actually saw, so by default it’s “The Best Seth Rogan Comedy of the Year!” It seems the competition gets stiffer with every passing year. This time he brings along fellow Freaks and Geeks alum Harry Osborne as Saul the drug dealer. The two are forced to become fast friends as one of them witnesses a murder while leaving behind a joint filled with a rare kind of weed that is only dealt by Harry. I’m not big into stoner comedies like I am for beer comedies (both of them!), but in a year dominated by comedies, this was still a highlight.

8. The Incredible Hulk
“Hulk smash!”

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUD NOISES! If great comedies was one trend of 2008, a superhero movie mini-renaissance was the other. This movie, written partially by Edward Norton, is mercifully a clean break from Hulk, which was directed by Ang Lee and was duller than soccer play-by-play in sign language. Instead of pondering super close-ups of still life we get loads of ultra close-ups with angry, screaming abominations unto the Lord (pun intended). While the CGI gets a little out of hand at the end (would it be a true summer blockbuster if it didn’t?) this was an overall satisfying experience that quickly faded from memory only because it was outshone by several other new classics in the superhero genre.

7. Step Brothers
“You have the voice of an angel. Your voice is like a combination of Fergie and Jesus.”

It’s been a while, but Will Ferrell has finally returned to form. Perhaps his star just burned too bright in Anchorman, but since then his filmography has been a long list of tepid mediocrity. I’m just going to ignore the fact that he was also in Semi-pro, which is saved from being the worst movie I saw this year only because I was stupid enough to watch Speed Racer. It’s Ferrell’s crudest comedy since Old School (maybe even ever), and even though his shtick has worn a bit thin, this is full of hilarious moments. Just reading the quotes page on IMDB to write this had me laughing out loud.

6. Futurama: The Beast With A Billion Backs
“Now I’ve often said ‘good news’ when sending you on a mission of extreme danger; so when I say this anomaly is dangerous, you can imagine how dangerous I really think it is.”

This is the second of four planned Futurama movies and it is about on par with the first one (the third one, Bender’s Game, was a bit tedious for me). While I personally think Futurama is best told in 30 minute episodes, I’ll take any new material I can get. This entry features, well, in the words of Fry, “I went to another Universe and fell in love with a giant octopus; and now I’m Pope of a new religion.” It’s complicated, but no more so than any other storyline on this show. If this show doesn’t come back at some point then this might be the last hurrah for Futurama with the third film being a dud and the forthcoming finale seemingly centered on the obnoxious environmental theme that popped up from time to time on the show. I guess I’ll always have my DVDs…

5. Get Smart
“Agent 99: Did you see anything while I was dancing?
Maxwell Smart: Just once, but I don’t think you expected him to lift you that high.”

Up front, I’ll just say I was and am a huge fan of the original TV show starring Don Adams. I grew up with that show on Nick at Nite every night, so I was somewhat leery of the idea of a remake. Casting Steve Carell as Max was a good first step in winning me over even though no one can ever replace Don Adams in that role. Unfortunately, my geekiness over the show kept me from fully loving the movie. Maxwell Smart was a well trained idiot, not a smart analyst with no field experience. Siegfried was a German Nazi type, not General Zod. And for the love of God, Larabee was NOT freaking Champ Kind. You can’t just take whatever actor you want, let him do the same terrible shtick he always does and expect everything to be fine by giving him the name of a beloved character who acts completely different from what is in the movie!! Argh!! That being said, the last minute appearance of Puddy as Hymie was genius. I’d be up for a sequel as this movie was surprisingly solid in both action and comedy. Also Anne Hathaway is strikingly gorgeous in this movie. The movie would be worth seeing just to watch her for two hours.

4. Tropic Thunder
“I think I can spot a prop head when I see one!”

Speaking of old shtick, this one is starring, written, and directed by Ben Stiller. It’s a surprisingly smart and hilarious spoof on Hollywood in general. You have the aging action star Tugg Speedman, played by Stiller, the lame comedian who plays multiple roles in his movies played by Jack Black, the energy drink swilling rapper-turned-actor played by some other guy, and the “serious” Australian actor who gets awards for playing a gay priest with Toby Maguire played by Robert Downey, Jr. Together they form a cast trying to film a war movie but inadvertently get involved in a real war zone. However, I got my money’s worth on this movie just from the fake trailers they showed before the movie even started.

3. WALL-E
“This is called farming! You kids are gonna grow all sorts of things! Vegetable plants, pizza plants… Oh, it’s good to be home!”

Death. Taxes. Good Pixar movie. I didn’t care for Cars and Ratatoille as much as some of the old classics, but they still had their charm. WALL-E on the other hand is a return to form even if they didn’t drift too far from form to begin with. I don’t know how long this film went without any dialogue, but it’s amazing how interesting the beginning of the film is while not saying anything! I’d love to see the script just to see how it was all mapped out. Pixar movies are also always nice to look at, but they certainly seemed to have stepped up their game in the animation department for this one. I’m new to the BluRay thing, but thus far WALL-E, by far, has been the best looking movie I’ve watched in the medium. Nothing can ever top the Toy Story movies or The Incredibles, but WALL-E may become a classic as well, despite it’s somewhat obnoxious imbedded political message.

2. Iron Man
“Let’s face it, this is not the worst thing you’ve caught me doing.”

I’m not going to say that anything Jon Favreau touches turns to gold (I remember Daredevil, buddy!), but he has created a few classics in his day. Swingers is one of my favorite all time movies, Elf is a new holiday staple, and now Iron Man set a new high bar for super hero movies . . . for about three months before (#1 MOVIE SPOILER!) The Dark Knight came out. Even though I had only a vague knowledge of the Iron Man story, the casting of Robert Downey, Jr excited me more than any super hero casting since Christian Bale. It seemed even more inspired (maybe even obvious?) after seeing the movie itself. Like The Incredible Hulk, it does get bogged down with CGI (and some iffy acting by Gwyneth Paltrow) in the end, but on the whole the film balances action, plot, and comedy brilliantly. Bring on Iron Man 2!

1. The Dark Knight
“Why so serious?”

This movie, on the other hand, I’m not so sure I want a sequel to. Why? Because I don’t think it can be topped. The first thing I said after I saw TDK for the first time was, “This was sooo much better than Batman Begins.” And I loved Batman Begins! In describing this film to others who hadn’t seen it (I’m a midnight movie geek), I would use the “Best movie since ____” method. Except the release date of the movie in the blank kept on getting pushed back the more I thought about it. I think I finally settled on The Empire Strikes Back. In the Batman movies of the past there was always a clear definition between the films. It was as if the villains of the previous films just disappeared for the new one. Not only is The Dark Knight a clear follow up to Batman Begins, but it masterfully balances a large cast of supporting characters including Jim Gordon, Harvey Dent/Two Face, Alfred, and of course The Joker. The subject’s been worn out, but Heath Ledger is spectacular in this movie. From his very first appearance the writing combined with his performance makes The Joker completely unpredictable, menacing, and maybe the greatest villain in super hero movie history. There are two movie clichés that are pulled off here without problem: the villain with no real motive, and the good guy who turns bad guy almost instantly and at no point did I not buy into it. I’ve already written about the War on Terror commentary (yes, I still think Batman is George W. Bush), so I won’t beat a dead horse on that topic. Maybe what impresses me the most about this movie is that on paper, the threat is so much smaller than it was in Batman Begins, yet it feels so much bigger and more threatening. In a day when there seems to be so few releases that even interest me, it’s so refreshing to have this film come along and remind me why I love movies so much to begin with.

Have you ever had a good idea and then someone else completely separate from you actually does something with it? To my dying day, I’ll believe that I invented Brush-Ups and thought of the Armageddon Chrysler Building shot before either went public. Even though in reality, I would never take any action on either of these ideas, it still kind of bothers me that someone else did.

Well, this phenomenon has struck again because I totally called the Batman = George W. Bush thing the week The Dark Knight came out (I have witnesses!), but for reasons personal and technical I didn’t write anything about it until now and Glenn Beck beat me to the punch.

“Mike, you only see what you want to see,” is what you’re saying and sometimes that may be true, but the pro-war slant of The Dark Knight is the last thing I expected. In fact this was a concern of mine at the end of Batman Begins. When Commissioner Gordon started on his “escalation” speech something went off in my brain, and translated it said, “Oh no, they’re doing a war analogy.” We all know how these things usually end up: poorly for both conservatives and box office receipts.

Just hear me out here. In The Dark Knight we have our protagonist Batman fighting the Joker (who is clearly defined as a “terrorist,” a word that the media doesn’t even like to use when reporting on the subject). Batman is breaking “international law” by going onto foreign soil to do what is necessary to stop the Gotham mob. He is tempted to appease the demands of the terrorist when people start dying, but the wise people in his life all council him to endure. Rachel even says at one point, “Do you really think that’s going to keep the Joker from killing people?” Later on, when the body count begins to mount, the only way for Batman to find the Joker is to basically wiretap the entire city, to which Lucius Fox raises ethical concerns (which appear somewhat ridiculous given the context of what is happening in the city), but he still does what is necessary in the face of extraordinary circumstances.

That’s not to say that this is a slam-dunk, right-wing movie. I think there’s enough in there to keep both sides happy (I won’t go into the possible liberal messages because I’ve already typed too much), but I was frankly taken aback at how far to the right it appears to lean. Yet, as Glenn Beck mentioned in his monologue, no one is talking about this! After I saw the film I looked at all my usual conservative sites expecting someone to take notice and yet no one seems to be mentioning that the biggest movie in over a decade appears to be pro-war. I don’t know Christopher Nolan’s political leanings, and maybe it was all a mistake (after all, they can’t truly make Batman the bad guy), but the message seems to be that we need to keep fighting terror even though it’s going to make us look like the bad guy. Maybe I missed something, but this aspect certainly added an extra layer of enjoyment to what is my favorite movie to come out in years. The question is, are our liberal friends the ones not picking up on this (it was well reviewed after all), or am I just reinforcing the stupid conservative stereotype by not picking up on the “real” meaning behind the film. Either way, I seriously need to see it again and do my part to end Titanic’s reign.

-MPAW

Drama
“This is Woodward. I want to talk about Watergate.”

It will probably surprise you to know that this is the first time I have seen this movie. It probably wasn’t the best movie to watch on Independence Day Eve, but this is the penalty I pay for going almost a month without watching anything on the list and the list order must not be mocked. This, of course, is the story of Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein tracking down the truth of the Watergate break-in leading all the way up to President Nixon. This film lost the best picture award in 1976 to Rocky (which is #57 on the list), and while I have obvious loyalties to the Italian Stallion it’s easy to see how some people were upset that this lost out. ATPM is surprisingly riveting considering that we already know the outcome and about 85% of the film is men with big 70’s hair typing on enormous typewriters in drab offices. The downside is that this is basically two and a half hours of Democratic gloating about taking down a corrupt Republican president. The upside is a) Nixon deserved it and b) our protagonists seem to hate the New York Times as much as I do.

Release: April 9, 1976
Watched: July 3, 2008
Length: 138 Minutes
Recommended: Yes
Rating: *** 1/2 / ****

Next: #76 – Forrest Gump

Comedy
“Hey you! Get back to work!”

I know it’s not fair to judge older movies like this by today’s standards, but this was just a flat-out waste of time. While that time was only 87 minutes, it was still too long. A fifteen-minute short would’ve been about right. Even then I wouldn’t have found it particularly funny and the class warfare message still would have bored me. This is an unsilent silent film where some people can talk but for some reason our protagonist and other select characters can’t. At the end you actually do hear Charlie Chaplin talk for apparently the only time on film. It didn’t seem worth it after suffering through a ten-minute scene where he’s trying to get a roast duck across the room.

Release: February 5, 1936
Watched: June 10, 2008
Length: 87 Minutes
Recommended: No
Rating: * / ****

Next: #77 – All The President’s Men

Western
“It’s covered, ya two-bit, redneck peckerwood!”

Maybe it was the bacon popcorn I was eating, but I really liked this one. The Wild Bunch is about a group of aging bandits in the dying days of the Old West. After being set up on what was supposed to be their last score, they look for another opportunity to set them up for retirement while trying to outrun a gang run by one of the “bunch’s” former partners and dealing with infighting amongst themselves. The action is gorily delicious and William Holden flat out kicks ass. Even Ernest Borgnine, who is maybe the most consistently terrible actors I’ve seen, gives a convincing performance for the first time in history. My only criticisms are that it did seem a bit too long (I was, however, watching the extended edition), and there are way too many random fits of laughter from our protagonists.

Release: August 7, 1969
Watched: June 9, 2008
Length: 145 Minutes
Recommended: Yes
Rating: **** / ****

Next: #78 – Modern Times

Comedy
“That’s the way it crumbles . . . cookie-wise.”

Most of the movies on this list are so famous that even if I haven’t seen them before, I at least have some idea what they are about, but I really enjoy the rare movie where I have no idea what to expect going in. In an age of downloadable movie trailers and TV commercials how often does that really happen? The Apartment is one such movie and unlike Easy Rider (another movie I hadn’t an inkling of beforehand), I really enjoyed it. Jack Lemmon stars as Baxter, who is an accountant who lends out his apartment to executives in his company for their, um, extracurricular activities. The conflict arises when the CEO (Fred McMurray) finds out about Baxter’s arrangement right as he’s about to promote him. The CEO wants to use the apartment, but he wants to use it with the girl that Baxter has fallen for (Shirley McLaine). Not only is the plot engaging, but it’s also very funny. This, unexpectedly, has become one of my favorite new discoveries I’ve made from this list.

Release: June 15, 1960
Watched: May 26, 2008
Length: 125 Minutes
Recommended: Yes
Rating: *** 1/2 / ****

Next: #79 – The Wild Bunch

Drama
“I am Spartacus!”

I watched this for the first time last year when I had the Black Death. I enjoyed it a lot more the first time than this time, but then again I had the Black Death and had many, many drugs in me at the time. Like Ben Hur and Gladiator, this film is about an enslaved man who becomes a gladiator and tries to overthrow the powers that be in Rome. Unlike the other two movies, I really felt that this film could have easily be cut in half and no one would miss the axed footage. I really enjoyed some parts, but other parts are agonizingly slow, repetitious and just flat-out boring. Something that I’ve found to be pretty much universal with all the movies on this list is that they are all well made and well acted . . .until Spartacus. Kirk Douglas and Laurence Olivier are great, but John Dall could poke out an eye the way he’s flailing around his acting. This is a movie that everyone should see once for its many iconic moments, but I wouldn’t want to watch it yet again due to it’s unnecessary length (and in a Kubrick movie! Who would have thought?)

Release: October 7, 1960
Watched: May 24, 2008
Length: 184 Minutes
Recommended: Yes
Rating: ** 1/2 / ****

Next: #80 – The Apartment

Drama
“Don’t be afraid of me!”

This is the first silent film on the list and is the story of a man who falls for a wicked city woman and is convinced to try and drown his wife so he can move to the city with his new love interest. He reacts violently to the idea at first but is then convinced as quickly as Anakin Skywalker was talked into murdering children. This is the second silent film I’ve seen (the other, Nosferatu, also directed by F.W. Murnau) and I find their effect to be more like reading a book than watching a movie even when there are no title cards. During periods of silence you are at least partially filling in your own details of what’s going on. As for Sunrise, I enjoyed the unexpectedly dark subject matter (for the `20’s), but about an hour in it turns into an attempted comedy that I just found that portion to be a letdown after the great buildup at the beginning. However, the movie returns to form for a great ending and that, along with the stellar opening hour of this film, makes it worthwhile.

Release: September 23, 1927
Watched: May 19, 2008
Length: 95 Minutes
Recommended: Yes
Rating: *** /****

Next: #81 – Spartacus

Drama
“I’m the king of the world!”

It’s a scientific fact that anything that is beloved by 14-year-old girls en masse has a 97% chance of being an affront to the Lord God Himself. This, the unfortunate all-time box office champion (ignoring inflation), of course launched David Warner into super stardom and iconicized Bill Paxton as a sex symbol amongst the young ladies of the day. I should mention that any opinions shared here are slightly skewed by the fact that I actually had a 14-year-old sister when this movie was released.

Titanic is the story of a young harlot trapped in a loveless 24 hour relationship who disrobes on a couch before putting out in some stranger’s car for an androgynous boy-elf 2 days after she meets him. She then steals a diamond from the fiancée she cheated on, keeps it a secret for 80+ years, and instead of insuring a lifetime of financial security for an undoubtedly endless number of bastard offspring, she drops the priceless gem into the ocean. She’s also very easily tricked into believing that she’s flying and sleeps surrounded by pictures of herself. There. I just saved you three hours worth of crappy plot.

While I have a unique hatred of this movie (I clearly enjoy reviewing the movie more than watching it), there are a few redeeming qualities. James Cameron’s inadequacies in scripting a romance are offset by his fine directing and expert handling of the massive technical issues that were involved in making a film with this kind of complexity. The action in the final nine hours of the film is pretty spectacular as long as you’re not prone to epilepsy or irritated by people repeating the name “Rose” dozens of times. Also, the propeller guy shot is pretty cool. This movie harmed me as a child (I’m not even going to start what could very easily turn out to be a 1,000 word tirade on Celine Dion) and as such, I saw this horribly overrated film as my greatest challenge yet on the list. This movie is soooo ripe for a Rifftrax, the only problem is that when that eventually happens, I’m not so sure I’ll be up for watching this again.

Release: December 19, 1997
Watched: May 16, 2008
Length: A billion minutes
Recommended: No
Rating: * 1/2 / ****

Next: #82 – Sunrise

Drama
“You name it, I’ll throw rocks at it, sheriff.”

I freaking hate hippies. Hate ‘em. I’m barely to the left of Eric Cartman on this topic, and only because I’ve never locked any of them up in my basement. The only thing I hate more than a hippie, is a grown up hippie reminiscing about the “good ol’ days.” Baby boomer nostalgia is the only possible reason for this movie’s inclusion. Nothing happens for the first 20 minutes of this film except for couple of dudes driving to a bunch of `60’s songs (in the film’s defense, they are some very good songs). Sadly, these moments of nothingness are actually the highlight of the film as there is a higher concentration of hippie stench in this movie than any I’ve ever seen. I kept on thinking “DO SOMETHING!” and then remembered I’m watching a bunch of hippies so that’s probably expecting too much. It made my Republican brain scream for mercy. Thankfully, at a run time of 95 minutes it at least had the decency of ending quickly. Oh yeah, and throughout the film Jack Nicholson is wearing what closely resembles a Michigan sweater. It’s actually impressive how polar opposite this film is to the very essence of my being.

Release: June 26, 1969
Watched: April 27, 2008
Length: 95 Minutes
Recommended: No
Rating: * / ****

Next: #83 – Titanic

Comedy
“Hey you. I told you to slow that nag down. On account of you I almost heard the opera.”

Believe it or not, this is the first Marx Brothers movie I’ve ever seen. It’s loaded with the kind of edgy “wokka-wokka” humor that the `30’s were famous for. Imagine The Three Stooges without the violence. Unfortunately, the violence was always the best part of The Stooges. That being said, I really enjoyed this film and actually laughed a lot more than I was expecting. The only flaw I could find in this film was a number of excessively long musical routines. I guess with a film titled “A Night At The Opera” I should have expected that, but I didn’t. As an aside, Harpo looks shockingly like Zack Braff.

Release: December 24, 1986
Watched: April 26, 2008
Length: 96 Minutes
Recommended: Yes
Rating: *** / ****

Next: #84 – Easy Rider

Drama
“All you got to do is make it out of here. It’s all gravy, everyday the rest of your life, gravy.”

In my mind, this movie always kind of been the poor man’s Apocalypse Now, but the truth is that this film, while not superior to AN, actually boasts a better cast (not that there’s anything shabby about Marlon Brando, Martin Sheen, and Dennis Hopper). Platoon stars a young Charlie Sheen, a young Forrest Whitaker, a young (and skinny!) Dr. Cox, a young Johnny Depp, a young Said Ali (who I recognized somehow), a young Kevin Dillon, a perpetually old Tom Berenger, and an ever-serpentine Willem Dafoe. I’m torn because I love war movies and this one is well made, but I’m so. freaking. tired. of the liberal propaganda. Did the kind of atrocities depicted in this movie actually happen? Probably. Were half the American soldiers murderers and rapists as suggested? I wasn’t in ‘Nam, but I seriously freaking doubt it. I enjoy the vast majority of Platoon, but the insistence on unfairly smearing American soldiers keeps me from liking this as much as I would otherwise.

Release: December 24, 1986
Watched: April 25, 2008
Length: 120 Minutes
Recommended: Yes
Rating: ***/****

Next: #85 – A Night At The Opera

Drama
“Well, I’m not used to supposin’. I’m just a workin’ man. My boss does all the supposin’ – but I’ll try one. Supposin’ you talk us all out of this and, uh, the kid really did knife his father?”

This is maybe the most predictable movie I’ve ever seen in my life. Ten minutes in, it’s so obvious that Henry Fonda is going to convince every juror one-by-one that they should acquit the defendant that I kept on looking out for some sort of twist (maybe this is just what years of 24 have done to me). That being said, my interest never wavered even though the entire film is set in one room. I want to make clear that I enjoyed this movie, but it really would have been better if it wasn’t so cut and dry with Fonda being the great, enlightened individual who had answers for everything while everyone opposing him were slobbering, ignorant morons who screamed non-arguments constantly. Maybe I’m just looking for such a thing in a movie featuring a Fonda, but I felt patronized and preached to. The film ends with Henry Fonda leaving the court with his head held high in pride of what he’s doing, but one can’t help but feel that he’s responsible for something terrible. I personally would’ve voted for frying the kid. There was an awful lot of supposing going on for the Fonda side of the argument. Also, there’s a character with a strange hatred of the Orioles, which is just . . . odd.

Release: July 29, 1957
Watched: April 16, 2008
Length: 96 Minutes
Recommended: Yes
Rating: **1/2 / ****

Next: #86 – Platoon

Comedy
“Oh, I can’t stand this another moment.”

I’m trying to think of a character in a movie that has annoyed me as much as Katherine Hepburn does in this film, but I’m drawing a blank (although George the Dog in this movie comes close). I swear the first 30 minutes was one of the longest half hours of my life. I did of course relate to Gogarty the drunk who is introduced out of nowhere complaining about how he needs to drink to cope with the goings on. That I could relate to. Maybe this got a lot of laughs in the `30’s, but it only managed to get one half-chortle out of me and give me a headache. I’m starting to think that the movie experts that put together this list have bad taste in movies. Go figure.

Release: February 18, 1938
Watched: April 14, 2008
Length: 102 Minutes
Recommended: No
Rating: */****

Next: #87 – 12 Angry Men

Drama
“I see dead people.”

I saw this movie in high school and haaaaaaaaaated it. I was bored to tears. Not helping the situation is that I had been told the ending beforehand. Not only did that possibly ruin the film for me the first time, it robbed me of the possibility of figuring out the ending before it happened. I maintain convinced that I would have figured it out, but that’s easy to say since I’ve always knew the ending. Anyway, I enjoyed it a lot more this time around since I’ve developed a bit more appreciation for “subtlety” in the decade since this film was released (geez, I’m getting old). The movie, if you’re willing to look past some plot holes, is quite Hitchcockian for our day and age. That being said, is this really the 89th best movie ever made? Doubtful.

Release: August 6, 1999
Watched: March 31, 2008
Length: 107 Minutes
Recommended: What’s the point since you’ve already seen it?
Rating: ***/****

Next: #88 – Bringing Up Baby

Musical
“Listen. No one could teach you to dance in a million years. Take my advice and save your money!”

I think I finally “get” musicals. They must’ve been the equivalent of big-budget action films way back in the day. I can imagine audiences of the `30’s just biding their time during evolving plot points waiting excitedly for the next big dance routine. This was my first Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers movie, but I’m just not a fan of the genre. I really thought I was going to be in for a rough time early on as some forced `30s style humor was coming at me rapid fire, but as the movie went along I eventually got somewhat involved. The two stars are certainly talented (and it’s definitely less shocking than my James Cagney/Yankee Doodle Dandy experience). That being said, I just don’t get genres where characters randomly start singing their feelings at each other. On the plus side though, Ginger Rogers is smokin‘.

Release: October 12, 1936
Watched: March 28, 2008
Length: 103 Minutes
Recommended: If you like musicals
Rating: **/****

Next: #89 – The Sixth Sense

Drama
“Don’t you see, Sophie? We’re dying.”

This movie is as schizophrenic as one of our main characters. Should I have put a spoiler warning on that? Probably. But then again, you probably aren’t going to see this anyway. I was really dreading this film as soon as I saw the cover. I had nightmares of watching Meryl Streep spend two and a half hours debating whether she should flush her fetus. It turned out to be much different than that first with Tom Lennox getting to know Sophie (Streep) and Kevin Klein, then the best part of the movie with Sophie’s flashback to Auschwitz, and finally with our two other main characters dealing with Kevin Klein’s suddenly revealed mental illness. I’m a little torn by this movie. I felt that most of it was slow moving and a lot of it was needless, but the scene of the titular “choice” is incredible and it will probably be something I remember for the rest of my life. I’d be willing to wager, however, that it will be a life from here on that is Sophie’s Choice-free.

Release: December 8, 1982
Watched: March 26, 2008
Length: 150 Minutes
Recommended: Only Once
Rating: **/****

Next: #90 – Swing Time

Drama
“As far back as I can remember, I’ve always wanted to be a gangster.”

Is there anybody on The Sopranos who wasn’t in this movie? Geez. I first saw this movie in high school and enjoyed it, but it’s been a looooong time since I’ve seen it so it felt like I was watching it for the first time. Goodfellas features an all-star cast including Robert DeNiro, Joe Pesci, Paul Sorvino, and Samuel L. Jackson (for a cumulative screen time of about 20 seconds), but led by (of all people) Mr. Shoeless Joe Jackson himself – Ray Liotta. I don’t know how accurate it is, but the film is allegedly a true story about the life of Henry and Karen Hill (played by Dr. Melfi) as told from their perspective. It’s a great film, and it shouldn’t have taken me this long to watch it a second time. It’s influence on The Sopranos is obvious.

Release: September 19, 1990
Watched: March 7, 2008
Length: 145 Minutes
Recommended: Yes
Rating: ****/****

Next: #91 – Sophie’s Choice